Colors pt.1

So, I've been having a lot of conversation lately on skin color.  It's amazing to me that we as a society is still so color struck and at the same token it's hurtful.  I mean all women are beautiful, and it's amazing how God has made us all diverse however black women have been torn and divided. We've been fashioned to believe the darker you are the less attractive and accepted you are in society.  And unless you have visible signs of mixture then clearly your family is straight from the zulu nation.  It's been said by even a famous artist who shall remain nameless that "the lighter a woman's skin is the easier she is to deal with."  Why are we hated on so much?  Why do we continue to be emotionally abused by the same men we give birth to? 
I'm tired of comments like, "You're pretty for a dark skin chick" or "Do you see her she black and ugly?"  Seriously was it necessary to comment on her skin tone, could she not just be ugly.  Or my favorite from the islands. She is ugly but at least she is red (meaning light skin).  Like that is the icing on bad cake.  If you got one eye and half, half a head of hair, and summer teeth (some hair and some there) ain't no amount of light skinnedness gon' fix that.  Even my own mother whom i love dearly says some off the wall stuff.  And in turn tells me I'm beautiful.  I am really supposed to believe that.  You just had an out of pockets comment about that person's skin tone and I'm supposed to believe you when you say I am beautiful!  Then they wonder why we have complexes.

It was Buju Banton who said it best when he said:
"Mi nuh Stop cry, fi all black women, respect all the girls dem with dark complexion

Tupac:
They say the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice, the darker the skin then the deeper the roots.

We been conditioned to believe that beauty only comes in certain forms. Like having natural hair is a curse.  I swear if one more man asks me to perm or straigten my hair i will lay him out on the floor.  I love my locs.  I think they compliment me more than when i had a perm or even longer hair.  I am actually way more confidnet with my hair this way then when it was processed cause i cant hide behind it.  It is what it is.  Embrace it. We want so bad to be exotic we will got to the extremes to please those looking in from the outside all the while killing ourselves on the inside.  I have nothing against weaves, perms, contacts, etc. but are you doing this for you or are you doing it so everyone else thinks your beautful?  What do you see when you look in the mirror and you strip all the maybeline away?  Cause no matter how much junk and gunk you put on people will see straight through you and label your insecurities. 

And then it gets worse when you try to explain to people those of us that are really dark including myself........I'm not denying I'm black and I'm the first to admit that I am black but the truth of the matter is my family is extremely mulitracial.  They look at you like you just cussed they momma and that your trying to deny stuff, expecially those of us who are west indian.  Aint not near one of us that ain't mixed.  LOL!

My bestie, has chinese and japanese in her family and it's very visible in her features...but she is medium brown and her sis is light skin, the two could be darn near identical but put the two together and best believe society will accept her sis more.  Another homegirl of mine is a brilliant attorney.........she more indian than anything but when people look at her skin they see black girl that got lucky with the good hair.........another homie of mine she is hatian and middle eastern (people stay accusing her of denying her "blackness")...........me, my grandma is half jewish portuguese (yes jewish with the curls, the hat and all) and panamanian(dark panamanian), Both my grandfathers are half indian and half black, and my other grandmother (spanish, black, and indian).  Do i look like i have time to check off every box on an application?  NO!  But we as black woman are so dynamic and we have to embrace it.

My cousin broke my heart the other day cause she was in love with an indian guy from our hometown and becuase she was black and i believe partially insecure he did not follow through with a relationship with her, and ended up sticking to an indian girl to please his family.  She was heart broken and blamed herself for being black.  She tried so hard to fit into the culture she cant embrace her ownself.  I had to explain to her that it's not her fault and that he was not man enough to stand up for you or himself therefore he was not the one.  But first you also have to love and accept yourself color and all before anyone else can. 

At one point in time because of my upbringing i believed that if a light skinned black man, or a man from any other race was attracted to me other than a dark skinned man then I've come up.  It's the ultimate compliment.  Now I know that's bolony.  I've been accused of being color struck because the majority of the  men I've dated are on the lighter side but that is not by preference that is becuase that is who mostly approaches me.  I get more compliments from light skinned men than dark brothers.  It's amazing.....so why am i the one that is color struck.  I'm not hunting them down and then when i meet a guy you thinks my skin tone is beautiful and my hair is gorgeous, i'm speechless, i wonder what's his angle, is he genuine? sincere?  am I being compared to all the reallly dark skin women in videos who are exploited for their bodies?  then I smack myself and say get over it Asha.  Embrace what you've got cause even if you find out they are full of it your still fabulous!

I know dozens of lectures have been given on this but it is really time we "WAKE UP!"  It was said best in my favorite movie spike lee's school daze.  "WAKE UP!"  We need to stop tearing each other down and be mindful that you are perpetuating a cycle of three hundred years or more of hurt.  All black men no matter what shade needs to start seeing the beauty of all shades of black women and all different hair types.  Stop getting caught up in the hype because at the end of the day a lot of us look for the validation of our beauty through you (however backwards that may be) and if you our own kind whom we give birth to dont find us beautiful, goregeous, breath taking and exotic how are we supposed to continue proving it to everyone else.  We can do it and we do it daily, but its not easy in the entertainment world or business world.  We need your support, not to exploit us and our bodies but really lift us up and hold us on a pedal stool.  And we as black women need to do it for each other.  Dont be afraid to pay another woman a compliment.  We aren't all ghetto, head snappin', six colors in our hair having, skimpy clothes wearing, gold teeth having, fake nails six inches long, black and miles smokin kinds.  We have education, aspiration, goals, and can hold down a great conversation that does not include the word bootyliscious and babyphat.  Get to know us!

Until next time......All sistas keep your head up!

Butterfly!

As I look in the mirror now I think who is this young woman.  Seriously!  As far back as I can remember in junior high I wasnt very confident in myself.  I was the catterpillar.  I didnt think i was pretty, i had bad acne, a gap in my two front teeth, i was a very sheltered child and with all the traumetizing drama that occured in my life i was lost.  I developed a tough girl attitude, I cussed, had a temper and made it known that I was a force to be reckoned with all the while a straight A student.  Go figure.  I remember just not liking what i saw and although I was always very social and popular and had many many many friends throughout all my schools I still did not feel accepted in terms of looks.  I was a late blooomer and completely cluessless about everything.  As time went on and different people came into my life I started to learn new things, like how to wrap my hair so my perm could look on point.  How to properly use a curling iron and not burn the mess out my ears,  rollers are the devil when you have extremely thick hair cause all you end up with is a afro puff of mess.  By the time I hit the end of my sophmore year of highschool i had switched from baggy jeans to fitted jeans and tighter tops, even some heels.  I always knew who i was in Christ something that never changed and stuck with me always.  So by the time I got to college it was no holds bar.  No curfews, self autonomy and I started learning more and more about myself.  Still, apart of me was trapped inside the sheltered child.  Scared to try new things.....worried about what my parents and friends would think.  Riddled with guilt when i did something wrong as opposed to learning and growing.

BUT!  now at the age of 27, i've butterflied and broken out my cuccoon.  It's interesting, if you were to ask me five years ago would i be this person I am now, boldly I would've told you no.  Simple things people have being doing for years I am coming into my own and trying for myself and it feels liberating.  I'm happy!  I'm confident!  I have unspeakable joy and peace.  For example, i highlighted my locs......This was a decision that took me all of four months.  LOL!  Scared i would hate it, scared other people would hate it, but i took that stand and did it and I loved it.  For the first time ever I went out to eat dinner by myself.  Inspired by two of my sisters F.E.P. and The fugitive.  When I had the conversation with F.E.P, i was like I am not that brave and she told me it's quite liberating.  So one sunday afternoon i did it and you know what it wasnt bad at all.  Again i felt like i knew myself all the better.  I am not going to lie, at first i watched my cell phone willing someone to text and call but then i just said "your rediculous" and put it away completely.  Then I twitttled my thumbs thinking okay, i need to talk who do i talk to, there is an empty chair in front me.........Then it hit me, BOOM!  Read your word.  I've been trying to finish the book of revelation since May!  LOL!  And i did it, just me and God and the word and I felt so free.  Things that were outside of my comfort zone is now my comfort zone.  And as time goes by I am experimenting more and more (of course within reason and within the guidelines of living my life for God), but boundless of fear. 

I want to do a carreer change, so i'm taking classes and lessons on the side no matter how painful.  I'M BEING ME!  I can scream it from the mountain tops.  I LOVE ME AND IT SHOWS!  No longer am I slapping God in the face about his creation but thanking him for allowing me to blossom and working on me.  I feel empowered through Christ. I am officially THE BUTTERFLY! and although i have more growing to do and things to try, i am going forth in faith.  Next, i'm going to go to the movies by self, maybe go on a carraige ride through the city, etc.

So until next time........I'm learning about me.  :-)

TRIED!

This week has been the week of all weeks.  My mom went to the hospital on Monday for surgery.  And while the surgery went well there was only one complication.  She lost so much blood they had to order six units of blood to pump into her.  It was weird seeing my mom on the table helpless and hurting and there is nothing I can do.  There is always something I can do,  I'm miss fix it!  I wasn't worried something was wrong it was the opposite I had an incredible peace that everything will work out.  I just knew God had got this but i felt useless.  I felt like the nurses weren't listening to me, I wasn't being assertive enough, for once I was afraid to speak out cause i didn't want to get kicked out the hospital.  I started to compare myself to my mom......she would've been all over those nurses and doctor's in a heart beat and probably had one of them in a half nelson.  But like i said something kept telling me to stay calm trust God and just behave how directed so i did.  I fasted Wednesday, like really fasted and God showed through.  My close friend for years came to the hospital to visit my mom, she was so supportive, it felt so good to have a friendly face.  She said kind things and helped me take care of her and then just randomly gave me money cause she knew me so well.......I wasn't eating, and i was broke.  God showed through. 

Apart from this i felt selfish, if anyone knows my mom and i are great friends but we can also war like the worst of enemies.  Anytime anything goes wrong I'm there,  I've sacrificed for my mom repeatedly and in the end if something doesn't go her way it's war between us.  She makes me feel like I'm the worst kid in the world.  So y do I keep having this same argument with her.  Y do we keep going back and forth.  Y cant she see I'm doing the best I can.  Y doesn't she feel like i love her enough.  Just y?  I feel like this is what drives my miss fix it attitude.  I don't want anyone to feel abandoned like I've felt, like I've been.  I genuinely love people and want to help them but i always want them to feel like they have someone there and for the most part i think they do, I just wish my mom felt that way too..................