TRIED!

This week has been the week of all weeks.  My mom went to the hospital on Monday for surgery.  And while the surgery went well there was only one complication.  She lost so much blood they had to order six units of blood to pump into her.  It was weird seeing my mom on the table helpless and hurting and there is nothing I can do.  There is always something I can do,  I'm miss fix it!  I wasn't worried something was wrong it was the opposite I had an incredible peace that everything will work out.  I just knew God had got this but i felt useless.  I felt like the nurses weren't listening to me, I wasn't being assertive enough, for once I was afraid to speak out cause i didn't want to get kicked out the hospital.  I started to compare myself to my mom......she would've been all over those nurses and doctor's in a heart beat and probably had one of them in a half nelson.  But like i said something kept telling me to stay calm trust God and just behave how directed so i did.  I fasted Wednesday, like really fasted and God showed through.  My close friend for years came to the hospital to visit my mom, she was so supportive, it felt so good to have a friendly face.  She said kind things and helped me take care of her and then just randomly gave me money cause she knew me so well.......I wasn't eating, and i was broke.  God showed through. 

Apart from this i felt selfish, if anyone knows my mom and i are great friends but we can also war like the worst of enemies.  Anytime anything goes wrong I'm there,  I've sacrificed for my mom repeatedly and in the end if something doesn't go her way it's war between us.  She makes me feel like I'm the worst kid in the world.  So y do I keep having this same argument with her.  Y do we keep going back and forth.  Y cant she see I'm doing the best I can.  Y doesn't she feel like i love her enough.  Just y?  I feel like this is what drives my miss fix it attitude.  I don't want anyone to feel abandoned like I've felt, like I've been.  I genuinely love people and want to help them but i always want them to feel like they have someone there and for the most part i think they do, I just wish my mom felt that way too..................