tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55107609485750633792024-03-05T05:48:51.770-08:00Understanding T.R.I.A.LAshahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-83944487615040364092010-10-22T08:25:00.001-07:002010-10-22T08:25:23.721-07:00Double Sided CoinThere's two sides to every situation. You ever notice when we have a conflict many times we're so busy trying to prove that our point is right that we never actually listen to the other person. What does that say about our maturity level? What does that say about our mindset? <br/> <br/> I've come to realize it's not always about proving you're right and the other person is wrong. You may realize your perception on the situation is skewed, that you had not sat down and logically evaluated all the facts. Sometimes we think so highly of ourselves we never evaluate what we could've done differently. Newton's law says "Every action brings a reaction." What were your actions, honestly think about it. Don't be self centered and pompous thinking you did everything right because guess what, YOU DIDN'T, your not perfect and nor are you always 100% correct. <br/> <br/> I believe many relationships could be salvaged if we would humble ourselves and really listen and understand each other. Admit your wrong or even if your not wrong admit that you at least understand the other person. STOP ALWAYS TRYING TO PLAY THE VICTIM!<div style='clear: both; text-align: center; font-size: xx-small;'>Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.3</div>Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-65439811868810988452010-07-22T12:56:00.000-07:002010-07-22T13:01:11.489-07:00DO IT YOURSELF: EPIC FAIL OR TRIUMPHANT SUCCESS!Okay my faithful readers it's been a while since I've blogged and I know you're all terribly disappointed. LOL! Or at least I chose to believe so. So for quite sometime, I've been keeping to myself that I am unemployed. And although i don't miss wall street (boring and monotony), I miss the wall street money. Funny when I was there I thought I wasn't making any money, Ha look at the contrast. But I digress. I've been unemployed since February, with that being said when those changes come into your life you learn to cut costs in many aspects of your life. So I've become the do it yourself queen. If anyone knows me, I am not Do IT Yourself, I would quickly pay someone to get it done. LOL! Some of the luxuries I loved before I've now either had to cut off or learn to do it myself. Lets start the list:<br />
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1. Manicures and Pedicures: Oh how I miss thee.<br />
I used to indulge in a Spa mani/pedi every other month. The foot massages, the complimentary drinks, the exotic colors. The light airy feeling of being in a whole new world of fantasy, I can smell it now. But spending $80 to $100, (organic products and a paraffin wax mold) just isn't cutting it anymore and I refuse to go to those unsanitary places in Brooklyn. So i dusted off every single pedicure set that I owned and there were quite a few as well as my foot massager and foot soaker, cuticle cutter, pumice stone, foot brush, and filer, and clipper. You tube, Google, and howcast and researched how to give myself a proper pedicure, even how to properly apply nail polish so you get that even color coat and finish and VOILA! Beautiful soft feet. This is a lot of work. Nevertheless, triumphant success. (my feet and hands aren't done right now so i wont subject you to those pics)<br />
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2. Dog Walking: Yes I paid someone to walk my dogs.<br />
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Judge if you like, but I dont own cute little taffy dogs or like i like to call them cats that bark. I own big dogs, huge dogs, A rottwieller and an american staffordshire terrier. Sometimes I dont feel like walking them early in the morning or late in the afternoon so I paid the neighbor's kid to do it. My dogs are five years old and heavy but now, that money adds up so I let then loose in my front yard, when my landlord got tired of smelling dog crap and pee, I had to suck it up and walk them, the perks, I get exercise. Sometimes though the lazy bug hits and I ask my boyfriend. We'll call this one a toss up.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNc1GjM9o_bvVeDzyeGi4YoFaKcVvYu1sCJyBPf_mI6Kd-ntWY_BTKrJTYYet7RwY4BcwxH9sxjbS31bpV6ig-Fh2igs0QJHQkVNRRoH4-og2jKZRrmE98CX_dd6cpT8Wns0c4ddGURjA/s1600/2010-05-02+16.48.58_Brooklyn_New+York_US.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNc1GjM9o_bvVeDzyeGi4YoFaKcVvYu1sCJyBPf_mI6Kd-ntWY_BTKrJTYYet7RwY4BcwxH9sxjbS31bpV6ig-Fh2igs0QJHQkVNRRoH4-og2jKZRrmE98CX_dd6cpT8Wns0c4ddGURjA/s320/2010-05-02+16.48.58_Brooklyn_New+York_US.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi183jfevwRXKi-F2Gc3aHRLxU5MWiC3z7Ctl_hljyH5GdUozVqqnWzfOk_tempgwl3EZ7yzNr0qyZO3gC17mVDZtJhHK6O5-ALLc4QQkvi0HBbRFFHI7PU59jNccZGDL86xCZqrUifYUU/s1600/P5260133.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi183jfevwRXKi-F2Gc3aHRLxU5MWiC3z7Ctl_hljyH5GdUozVqqnWzfOk_tempgwl3EZ7yzNr0qyZO3gC17mVDZtJhHK6O5-ALLc4QQkvi0HBbRFFHI7PU59jNccZGDL86xCZqrUifYUU/s320/P5260133.JPG" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHs33Y6iWjNuiH29rZPqICeb9lNltDbuv0zfNZApgm9dkaQkWFyvAhyphenhyphenF2IHEgXwu2iTUWvX9zTLntqQxdH95M0FV5YQGefIdkDqgUPQsMATa8YotgzKRB62FLWhJ2B0VAiVTCydC2guM8/s1600/2010-05-02+16.43.49.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHs33Y6iWjNuiH29rZPqICeb9lNltDbuv0zfNZApgm9dkaQkWFyvAhyphenhyphenF2IHEgXwu2iTUWvX9zTLntqQxdH95M0FV5YQGefIdkDqgUPQsMATa8YotgzKRB62FLWhJ2B0VAiVTCydC2guM8/s320/2010-05-02+16.43.49.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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3. Dog Grooming: Yes I paid for this too and as you can see from the above pictures, why!.<br />
Perks, I save 60 dollars, the downside, I put my back out in the winter time because I have to fit them in my irregularly small standing shower. Summer time I'll just time them to the fence and hose them down. Pictures to follow later. We'll call this one a toss up too.<br />
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4. Hair care: Oh How I miss my loctician, we had such a bond and my hair literally smiled when she styled it.<br />
Since, I've had locs for five years now, I've become quite the expert on natural hair care particularly locs. I refuse to walk around like a lumberjack. More blogs on how I take care of my beautiful tresses later. <br />
$65 to wash, twist, and style<br />
$15 to refresh your color, since i decided to put highlights<br />
$25 to make it curly or wavy<br />
You can see how this adds up. LOL<br />
So I can do it myself which ultimately hurts my arms, neck and back or solicit family and friends.<br />
I chose option two, I harass my sorority sister or my cousin. I still consider that Do it yourself and a triumphant success! Cause now i don't walk around looking like I belong in a cave.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These are all Do It Yourself: and i look fabulous!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT2tS3NAvEPSl18EqUw6RvhaIzYzEBWD6f-kQRfELL4LwvZt9h-UDip4y8B06_dOafiBX8_MPp7ckXmHZiSCZNwNNWSoU4DxKNxEBCP_VTahSULklZt4Qqktzf_RjehL_eouwjM_rV86I/s1600/diy2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT2tS3NAvEPSl18EqUw6RvhaIzYzEBWD6f-kQRfELL4LwvZt9h-UDip4y8B06_dOafiBX8_MPp7ckXmHZiSCZNwNNWSoU4DxKNxEBCP_VTahSULklZt4Qqktzf_RjehL_eouwjM_rV86I/s320/diy2.jpg" width="260" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEouTLvxrFm4qh2d9dXwtDgwJQUgOyelR0LEOdzrcdOlUjYsh7_FIgqTHX4GZa1XWywtSbSm6iKDtPhVTUcGlDpp_XqnzM-DWbmn6_9z7kyeV778dLAA6o28NbtEDN2k-_YRifKQT6SE8/s1600/do+it+yourself+b+day.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEouTLvxrFm4qh2d9dXwtDgwJQUgOyelR0LEOdzrcdOlUjYsh7_FIgqTHX4GZa1XWywtSbSm6iKDtPhVTUcGlDpp_XqnzM-DWbmn6_9z7kyeV778dLAA6o28NbtEDN2k-_YRifKQT6SE8/s320/do+it+yourself+b+day.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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5. Car Maintenance: EPIC FAIL!<br />
I will never be a mechanic, I tried to fix the anti-freeze and the AC on my car. I cant change the oil, or anything. I almost blew up the car. So I decided my car I wont cut corners on this one, it's just too risky. I'll just find a cheaper mechanic.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4sQUoY1IR9TcqKxhk95Rcl3K-OTsHyFIlxUGN3MoAov1ajNPWmecPbkwxYrLBgeKzTz0ixXDhT-XQMVy5pbNailTRyxbyu0prXf4ciCZlzuZQ2AUKftKHAjD6ZeETI7dj_Emi5pPfEno/s1600/k1237430.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="128" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4sQUoY1IR9TcqKxhk95Rcl3K-OTsHyFIlxUGN3MoAov1ajNPWmecPbkwxYrLBgeKzTz0ixXDhT-XQMVy5pbNailTRyxbyu0prXf4ciCZlzuZQ2AUKftKHAjD6ZeETI7dj_Emi5pPfEno/s200/k1237430.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO2GbKbwlRty6lqxYu63LBbMDWBOof3XAI-wmTW44zz1jfm-I6F1x9vdHjpmofDlco2t4kKc_jC2Y94DLNdRfyT3NwrNoQ8tYK7SO7s01TWFMEuUEVGIynioj0BIM7r3GUy_woWgSkjKU/s1600/car+trouble.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO2GbKbwlRty6lqxYu63LBbMDWBOof3XAI-wmTW44zz1jfm-I6F1x9vdHjpmofDlco2t4kKc_jC2Y94DLNdRfyT3NwrNoQ8tYK7SO7s01TWFMEuUEVGIynioj0BIM7r3GUy_woWgSkjKU/s200/car+trouble.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
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<b>What are your do it yourself stories?</b>Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-86425845139904677232010-06-18T09:44:00.000-07:002010-06-18T09:44:00.806-07:00He's Just Not That Into You!So for the past couple of days I've been watching, "He's just not that into you", courtesy of the fact that my boyfriend cant seem to watch it in one sitting on we're on the 17th view. Needless to say, I know it by heart. Okay, so this movie is farely old by now and I definitely read the book long before the movie came out. By the way the book was hilarious to me. It's all about signs of how you know a guy is interested and whether or not you should waste your time. <br />
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Now, again, I can only relate to an extent. Like for instance GieGie, she was like borderline psychotic crazy trying to figure out the signs of whether or not a guy liked her. She really needed to just take it easy and chill. Now I will admit some of these guys were vague and were trying to be nice. But I believe you can be nice and honest. Why is that so friggin' hard. If your not interested just say hey, I had an awesome time tonight but I'm not interested. Women can handle that a lot better than men think. Even if they have that desperate look in their eyes, it's better to cut the crap cause then you end up with a confused girl who is cyber stalking you. NOTE: I've never been in that situation. I don't recall whining and pining over when a guy would call. If he didnt call I just moved on with my life. But still you cant blame her in a sence if your telling me one thing and your really mean another.<br />
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Now Jennifer Anniston's character was dating the same guy for seven years and she wanted to get married and he didnt believe in marraige. This is where the boyfriend and I somewhat disagree. He claims that you cant force a guy into marraige. I dont think you should have to force anyone into marraige but I do think you should state what it is you want from a relationship to begin with. I've had this discussion in groups and countless times before. YOU SHOULDNT START A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT THE SAME THINGS AS YOU! There's no need for ultimatums or threats of your leaving if they dont marry you. Just be careful and guard your heart. If you want children and you know it's not a feeling that would go away then dont get emotionally invested in a relationship with someone who doesnt want children. You'll only be longing for something that will make you unhappy.<br />
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I can say this for sure because I've been there. I've always wanted to be with someone who felt reading the word, going to church, fasting, praying was as important as breathing. In my last relationship it was one of our many issues. I spent the better part of our years together trying to convince him that fellowship was important. Trying to get him to attend service with me, do a bible study with me. It was taxing and trying and stressful and in the end he was never going to change his mind. I loved him but I was never happy in that aspect. It was important to me and something I was not willing to bend on. I know in relationships there is compromise and even sacrafice but everyone has their deal breakers.<br />
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The major problem with these women and most of us in society (men and women) is that we are programmed to think that not being in a relationship automatically means your lonely. Not realizing being by yourself spending quality time with yourself is the best way to deal with yourself. Then you can really figure out who you are, what you want from yourself as well as your intended partner. Then you'll know your deal breakers, etc. <br />
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In the end you will be happier knowing your not going to be fighting about the same things for the next 50 years. Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-10878792985937342142010-05-04T21:25:00.000-07:002010-05-04T21:27:01.813-07:0030 day marraige challengeOkay, so I know I have not blogged in quite some time and I'm a slacker but I know you'll be forgiving or at least I hope so. While reading "The Quarter Life Chronicles" blog I stumbled upon her 30 day marraige challenge. I've seen the idea before, thought it was great but completely bypassed it, cause <strong><span style="font-size: large;">I'm not married</span></strong>. But then I thought, what about those of us who are engaged, or who are in relationships that are going to be geared towards engagment and marraige or even our family relationships. This could be put into practice. So I decided to participate in the challege using my boyfriend. We have a really good relationship and a no arguing policy. We may disagree on matters, but we usually just discuss things and move on from there. Neither of us have tolerance for arguing. Besides we are two very hot headed and hot tempered individuals, very much the same and I dont see that going very well. WE MAY BOTH NEED TO BE PUT DOWN BY TRANQUILIZERS if we both ever got that angry. LOL!<br />
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So the idea of the challege is:<br />
1- You can't say anything negative about your husband . . . to your husband, or to anyone else on a daily basis.<br />
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2- Say something that you admire or appreciate about your husband . . . to your husband . . . and to someone else on a daily basis. <br />
3- Read and apply the daily task to help you encourage your husband.<br />
4- Read Proverbs 31 daily.<br />
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<a href="http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/30DayChallenge.pdf">http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/30DayChallenge.pdf</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=303756263880&ref=ts">http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=303756263880&ref=ts</a><br />
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The above links gives you a daily study guide to help you in the process as well as a more indepth explanation. It's very encouraging and can really help you grow as a person.<br />
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It is natural for us as human beings to complain, many of us get a gold medal in complaining. Too many times we're quick to point out the negatives for little arbitrary things and cancel out all the positive that a person has done for us. Now don't get me wrong some of us have spouses and significant others that are complete <span style="font-size: large;"><strong>BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!! </strong></span><span style="font-size: small;">and we need to know how to point out a dog and call a spade a spade and <strong><span style="font-size: large;">RUN</span></strong>. This challenge to me are for the ones in our lives that are worthwhile and that's an assessment each individual has to take on their own relationships. Please ladies and gents down be blind and naive. But I digress. We as women love to vent and sometimes it's necessary, sometimes you need and outside opinion, someone that will give you sound advice, many times that person will let you know where you flubbed up in the relationship cause many times we are blind to our own faults but we must be wise in whom we talk to. Sometimes we tend to forget that our friends may be less forgiving than we are. And while you've moved on from the last argument they haven't. They are still stewing and mulling over it, you would think they were married to your husband or dating your boyfriend. LOL!</span><br />
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The institution of marraige in America is in jeopardy. Its the largest crashing stock. People are getting divorced quicker than the ink can dry on their marraige certificates and you have to wonder why. More and more people are not looking forward to marraige and even though I know that its not for everyone a lot of people are just scared out of their minds and I believe I know why. You don't hear many happy stories when it comes to marraige, you hear more complaints, however there are a large percentage of happily married men and women out there and they are not speaking up. The people who do speak up are the miserable ones and that skews the statistics. If there were more stories of the successes and the happiness then there will be a more positive outlook on this union by both men and women. Even when you look at American television. The wives are always nagging and overbearing and the husbands and blatant idiots that annoy the heck out the wives and are often times incensitive and we as a society have deemed this acceptable. <br />
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I believe the success stories will help council those who are newly weds or even those considering marraige and teach them how to stick through the tough times. It will teach you what discussions you should be having prior to tying the knot as opposed to afterwards and then you get the surprise of your life and realize 8 months later your sleeping with a total stranger and your husband is like the same repeated one night stand. OUCH! So please everyone I believe this challenge will help those that are single, courting, engaged, and married and teach us all how to improve as humans as well as teach us to have a more positive outlook on love, life, and relationships. <br />
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PS: I'll let you know how my challenge works out, my bf is traveling right now, so I have to wait till he returns.Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-22632952303455315072010-04-15T11:54:00.000-07:002010-04-15T11:54:26.398-07:00Religion vs. RelationshipIf anyone knows me they know that I am a devout christian with a wild spirit. That's the best way I can describe myself. I was never a quiet personality. I'm loud, outgoing, outspoken, and I love to have fun. I enjoy music, sports, entertainment, fashion and still have a strong commitment to my RELATIONSHIP with Christ. Of course I make mistakes in my life and I'm no where near perfect but I respect, fear, and love God, and follow his commandments and I'm the same person around everyone. I believe that some saints go wrong when they get so caught up in religion they forget about relationship. This world doesnt define me nor does the church I attend define me, but who I am in Christ defines me. He made me this way for a reason. So many people run from the church because Christians can be so pretentious, they get so caught up they forget how to actually relate to people and show love. There is so much focus on what a person should be wearing, how they hair should be fixed, the outside appearance and their insides are filthy. They walk around with a chip on their shoulder and are forever guarded and then have the audacity to want to minister to others. Whose going to listen to you if you're that uptight. Honestly who can feel comfortable around that. <br />
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People tend to forget that change is a process not an event, and the changes that occur on the inside will reflect on the outside. God works on the innerman and then moves to the outer. It really shouldnt matter whether or not my hair is locked or my skirt hemline is on the ground, or whether I worship on saturday or wednesday. God reveals different things to us in each of our walks so that we may grow and help others, not impose our personal views. When we get caught up in the above matters then it becomes more religious work. I know for a fact that many of my friends know where I stand when it comes to my walk with Christ. They also feel comfortable enough to seek advice and talk to me without feeling judged. My example of living, my attitude had compelled some of them to seek him as well. We should be inspiring others not making them run away. We all talk about Jesus and his walk but if you really study Jesus you would see, he had compassion for everyone. He ministered to their needs without damning them to hell, he listened before he tried to fix a problem, and all those he helped felt comfortable enough to come to him. He inpired others to talk about living right and didnt impose physical retraints on them, and he loved unconditionally. Now dont get me wrong, he did call out people's wrongs but mostly the hypocrites who were calling themselves Christians but were really acting like heathens in their attitudes and he didnt sugar coat SIN!<br />
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God is working on me daily and my prayer is that I continue to inspire those around me to love Christ as much as I do and not make them run.Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-85743840713740194422010-04-14T19:48:00.000-07:002010-04-14T19:48:38.124-07:00Why Did I Get Married Too?So my boyfriend and I went to see "Why Did I Get Married Too" today and oh boy. I dont want to ruin the movie for anyone so if you haven't seen it then I suggest you dont read this blog. So part two was definitely a lot more extreme than part one and I can't front the women in this movie were straight trippin' but I couldn't help but sympathize with SOME of their situations.<br />
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Angela: The history with Angela and her husband is she's caught him cheating in the past on numerous occasions and he is a chronic liar which is why she is so stir crazy besides all the drinking. So now by the sequel he's turned over a new leaf and is supposedly faithful. But by now the damage is done and he cant go use the bathroom without her getting suspicious. Big issue in the movie she wants the password to his cell phone. Her methods of trying to get it, I will say are annooying and I wouldnt give it to her either just because she is annoying but i digress. I believe they never worked at the issues at hand to ease her mind. This is a monster he created and therefore he needs to take that responsibility and appease her and give her what she needs to ease her mind. I do feel however that if she is choosing to stay that she needs to make the decision to either trust him and shut up or leave. NO ONE, I mean NO ONE wants to deal with that drama for the rest of their lives.<br />
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Diane: SHE WAS DEAD WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her issue is just not getting enough of what she needs from her marraige. Probably things got redundant, they are great, she's not bored but its missing something and instead of speaking to her husband she decided to entertain another man. Big MISTAKE!!! She was emotionally cheating. I mean really thinking of another man while making love to your husband. Brngng home the flowers the other man bought you. She was asking for trouble. Now if recall they had huge communication issues from the first movie. He wanted more children and she didnt. Now I know the word says when you get married your body is no longer your own but I had to sympathize with her on that one. It's not easy carrying a human being for nine months. So many of my friends are pregnant and let me tell you the stories you hear will scare you into adopting for the rest of your life. Was she right to tie her tubes without telling her husband? No she was wrong but I dont blame her cause somehow he was not hearing her out. She was also neglecting him which was causing more issues.<br />
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Patty: Perfect Patty who was always in control. I feel for her. She had not yet dealt with the issue of losing their son. Its hard. Its easier to fix everyone elses problems and not deal with your own. She still blames herself. As a mother, that can be classified as failure, my honest opinion I really dont think her husband was understanding enough. I do agree she could've met him half way and tried but arguing with her is definitely not the answer. Which is why she takes the lead in everything, I feel that is her coping mechanism. "No more room for mistakes." Even the divorce settlement was done so that it looked peaceful until of course everything got vengeful. That's where i took her side. Did he really have to go that far? I understand he didnt want the divorce but that might've been better and given her space to really deal with her issues. Then the burning of the baby pictures, the man handling her, and the pooring of alcohol on her. I was infuriated. That was beyond disrespectful. I don't care how angry you are, it should have never gotten there. So when she went bananas and broke everything in the house, I cant blame her at all. I would've beat him in the head with the golf club. In the end their actions led to his demise. We should really think about the things we do before we do them. Even in our rage. The word says anger and sin not.<br />
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Sheila: Sheila's marraige wasnt a bad one. She's finally happy. Her husband treats her well and talks to her. Their issue was his pride and finding a common ground. We as women want to help, we go into this automatic fix it mode and we need to know our man is okay even if the situation is bleek. It's like she said, "you're putting me in a bad head space," no one needs reminders of their past relationship and all the crazy that transpired. It's like I'm with you and things are supposed to be different. Now I will admit she was wrong for asking for help from her ex. That was just insane but he could've been more understanding about her sharing things with her girls. It's a natural thing, this is her family and they been doing it long before he was around. I get that she should've complied with his wishes and kept their business personal but like I said these same women comforted her through so much, it's natural. Also her husband should, "know his woman."<br />
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This movie boils down to the fact that every relationship needs trust, understanding, and communication. I know that many people werent fans of it however that is the best thing to pull from it. Evaluate how you interact with your own spouse in good and bad times and how you may be hurting each other. Try to stay away from being confrontational. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath. Anger and sin not. Remember your relationships are a form of minstry as well.Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-84715057237578737632010-04-04T19:16:00.000-07:002010-04-04T19:16:33.841-07:00The bunny or the LambSo today is Easter Sunday and unfortunately I have the flu. Now I am a regular church goer, saved, sanctfied, filled with the holy spirit, and not just a sunday Christian, you know the whole shabang. So I treat this sunday like any other, I got my rediculously sick butt up, hacking lung and all and carried myself to church and to my surprise which i should be surprised tada, it's packed and I CAN'T GET IN!. I'm a regular member. Why should i have to brace myself to get to church two hours early every year just because of this fiasco/circus show? Are you kidding me? Why is it packed because everyone who doesnt think about church all year round decides easter sunday is that day to go. So now there is a line that is circling the entire perimeter of the block, i was like, "y am i even surprised?" but i was too sick to stand on a line for an hour so i left.<br />
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I mean what is it with this tradition that no one seems to be able to explain. There is no real understanding to the meaning of Ressurection Sunday. What is the point if you leave the church the same way you came in? Only to come back three times a year the following year. Don't get me wrong, I'm enthused for anyone excited to hear the word but to go just for the fashion show, what is the point? All your doing is perpetuating the cycle for your children to do the same. Go to church and not understand what you are really supposed to be going to church for, and it not for the oversized hideous pastel hat and the suit that matches. It's about understanding the ressurection, why Jesus died for our sins, the uncondtional love of God. Why we take this walk and journey as christians, the wonders of the redeeming blood. To have the perfect peace and joy in your life despite all that goes on around you. It transforms you, allows you to forgive and forget, and love unconditionally.<br />
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So my prayer is that all those who attend church on easter sunday, christmas, and mother's day that you do get something from it. That you don't leave the same way you entered the building. That a seed is planted and you are truly transformed by what you've learned about the love of christ and hopefully i'll see you all the other sundays, possibly some tuesdays, and other events and we can fellowship together. Then I wouldnt be so upset that I had to wait in line for an hour to get into church.Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-42062063813483342032010-03-11T14:20:00.000-08:002010-03-11T14:20:02.183-08:00WITH ARMS WIDE OPENI know for many of us trust is a huge issue. By the time we've graduated college, many of life's issues and problems have stripped away the innocense that we once had. There was a point in our childhood we had unshakeable belief that things will work out. We had to believe that, even when they looked bad, it was somehow innate. So really what happened? What changed? I have to ask myself that. Where is that childlike faith that kept me going? <br />
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Too often we are still holding on the things that are holding us back and we dont even realize it. It affects our work, relationships, ministry, just our everyday psyche and its unhealthy. I feel like we should challenge ourselves to take inventory of all the negative things that occured to us and evaluate have we really gotten past it. You think you have but what your reaction when certain topics in conversations arrise, or when you get into an argument listen to the arguments you display. It reflects a lot about what are harboring on the inside.<br />
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My theme scripture this year has been Mark 9:24, " Lord I believe, help my unbelief." I keep holding on to that scripture because as much as I believe God there are times when my faith waivers. I know that's natural but I have to fight that feeling that comes. The bible says in Mathew 13, 17, and Luke 17 if you have faith as a mustard seed, then great things you will accomplish. So I am working on nuturing my faith. The funny thing is I've experienced God on so many levels, pulling me out of one distrastrous situation to the next but when things are dormant and I feel unsure I start to panic.<br />
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So far since the end of 2009, crazy things have been occuring and I believe God has been clearing my schedule something serious. I now see that all the so called "free time" I have which really isnt free at all cause I'm still super busy has given me the opportunity to spend more time seeking him and exploring what I really need to do with my life. This takes some major trust cause now I really have to depend on Jehovah Jireh. Think of Peter when he walked on water, completely had faith in Jesus but when he lost focus he starting drowning and Jesus said simply "Oh you of little faith". Throughout the book of Mathew Jesus commended people for their immoveable faith. I know that's where I need to be. I'm coming to God humble, with my arms wide open willing to accept whatever he has in store for me. I wont worry but I will be obedient.Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-8611584630988903722009-12-01T00:21:00.000-08:002009-12-01T00:21:10.530-08:00SPOOKY!So I know this has happened to me and a bunch of other people that I know. The ghosts from your past always re-appear when things are going great (when your happy or at peace). Whether is be an acquaintance or a past love, you ever notice when you're finally happy (single or not) that's when every haunted spirit you know wants to contact you, even the ones that were the biggest of JERKS!<br />
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These people never have anything edifying to say to you and they always seems to upset you. I personally get furious with myself for allowing them to upset my life. I struggle with being The Christian and allowing the God in me to show through and wanting to completely lambaste them. UGH! You ever notice they come to you with the most random things like<br />
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1. Updates on their lives. (like I care); I haven't called you in days, weeks, months, or years to catch up why do you think I care now. What made you decide that this would be the moment that I would comfort you. I know you got other friends. Call them. Frankly if we didn't end on good terms and decide to be good friends then it ain't gonna start now. No I don't care about the accomplishments of your family members or that you got a promotion. No I don't care that your appendix ruptured and you had to be rushed to the hospital. No I don't care that you got knocked up or knocked some chick up.<br />
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2. Get updates on my life. Meaning find out if you have a chance or still have a chance with me. ABSOLUTELY NOT! Again, I DON'T CONTACT YOU! and it's clearly for a reason. No I'm not thinking about you, no I don't want to go hang out. And definitely no I don't remember the good times we had together(if we actually spent time together in some cases) because guess what the bad out numbered the good when I decided to cut you out my life.<br />
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3. Talk the same nonsense they did when you hung out. UMMMMMMMMMM! Why haven't you changed? Why haven't you grown up? Why are you still so annoying? Another reminder why i stopped contacting you. Sometimes I want to say, why don't you do society a favor and go stand in oncoming traffic on the belt parkway. I'm pretty sure you wont be missed by me at least.<br />
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4. Pick arguments. What is that? Why are you still arguing with me about the past and that was six months ago. I'm surely not stressing it. Heck I've moved on and your still griping. I think you need therapy in your life is my answer. <br />
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5. Ask for a favor. HA! I'm sorry my good deeds for the year are done. I maxed out the limit with my other friends. I hope I was your very last resort and if I was then I suggest you do some soul searching and keep looking cause this charity is closed.<br />
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When you make the decision to separate from these people it's to better improve your life. So what do you do, you delete their numbers, throw out pictures and memorabilia, etc. Because your moving on and somehow, someway cosmically they sense joy and peace and decide they want to disrupt it. So I have a solution, if they call, don't engage in conversation. Keep it short and to one word answers not even insults cause then that just gave them a reason to stay on the phone longer. The words you should be using is YES, NO, I'M BUSY, and BYE!Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-76883757016827564912009-11-29T20:47:00.000-08:002009-11-29T20:51:50.598-08:00Rebirth<b>John 3:1-5</b><br />
<h5>The New Birth</h5> There was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews. This man came to Jesus by night and said to Him, “Rabbi, we know that You are a teacher come from God; for no one can do these signs that You do unless God is with him.” Jesus answered and said to him, “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.” Nicodemus said to Him, “How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born?” Jesus answered, “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God.<br />
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So the story behind this scripture was that Nicodemus did not understand that he needed to repent of his sins and be baptized by water was what Jesus meant by being born again. When you repent and turn your life over to Christ you are supposed to be starting anew. "If any man be in Christ he is a new creature, old things are passed away behold all things are become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17.<br />
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This got me to thinking about my own current rebirth. But I'm not referring to spiritually, I am talking about emotionally in matters of the heart. For most of us who come from broken families where the damage has not be repaired we have not be taught what true pure love is. So we start in high school(some younger) prematurely getting into relationships and getting our hearts broken repeatedly creating a vicious cycle and more damage as the years go by. I'm no exception to this. Our ideas and relationships are corrupted by society and their standards. We begin to accept trash, lower our standards, become broken, and settle for less than we deserve because we ourselves don't understand what is truly means to love or be loved. Many of us end up doing things we aren't very proud of and live with many regrets. Bringing baggage along the way. To truly love comes with a great responsibility. Self sacrificial. Laying down your own life. Putting aside yourself and your own interest for another. I truly believe that's why it says in Song of Solomon 8:4 "Do not stir up nor awaken love,Until it pleases." It's not just referring to the physical but also the emotional and the huge responsibility it is that we aren't ready for because many of us are still pre-adolescent/adolescent in that area.<br />
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I know for a fact now God is re-birthing my experience with love. I don't want past hurts and baggage to taint or ruin my future. I'm moving forward and God is helping me. Right now at this very moment he is teaching me that love can be pure and innocent. I am seeing the fruits what mature love is. He is stripping away my baggage. Loving me past my pain. Giving me a new perspective as i read his word and pray. Does our past shape who we are most definitely but I truly believe that at some moments if I had been patient, long suffered, and sought the right council, i would've been spared a lot. Now I am appreciative, listen intently to the guidance of the holy spirit with the people who enter my life and take no moment for granted. Speak up, ask questions, set standards, express and receive love the way God designed it. I am ready and God is showing himself awesome and strong in this area in my life.<br />
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Once I turned my love over to God, and repented of my past mistakes, MY LOVE HAS BEEN REBORN!Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-49458020842509565352009-11-10T20:26:00.000-08:002009-11-10T20:26:16.796-08:00Mirror MirrorSo this Sunday, I had a HUGE reality check. SOMETIMES AND I USE THIS WORD WISELY! SOMETIMES the very thing we see that needs to be worked on in others is the very thing we need to work on ourselves. And I say sometimes cause it's not true for every scenario and some people just need to be told about themselves. But for me this def applies this time, so here goes......<br />
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I was giving an individual a ride home, someone I am very close to and love dearly and the topic came up about the person's temper. Now I myself can be a little hot headed from time to time so who better to give this speech than me, right! Right! (cue sarcasm). Well anyway I brought up the topic out of concern because I don't want to see anything bad happen to this individual, i.e. a drive by or jail because of an irrational or spontaneous decision in a situation that could possibly be avoided. As I was giving my speech I couldn't help but feel like I wasn't being taken seriously and although I know this person pretty well and i know they listen to me when i speak somehow between the jokes they were cracking and my moodyness I couldn't shake the fact that they were not taking me seriously. So in the interim I made a comment about them not always thinking straight and in turn they spoke and said something that completely caught me off guard. Now I didnt take it as rude or disrespectful but i did take it as sarcasm so me being me I rebutted. However my rebutt didnt really go over smoothly. <br />
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After my rebuttle things went downhill, our emotions kinda spiraled and my irrational decision to force my car into park while in motion and grinding down my gears to prove a point was just not smart. Exhibit A. Then at the request of my loved one to pull over, I refused, not because I was pissed but because i just didnt see a neccessity for it when i was literally two blocks from their house. I'll stop when I'm good and ready to and we can talk then (MY Mentality). By then their emotions had spiralled and their funky mood had transpired. Exhibit B. Now all of this could've been avoided had I thought things through and chosen to respond in a different way and the same rule applies to them. The same thing I was preaching about was the very same thing I needed to work on. And the funny things is I didnt get my reality check until i heard my gears grinding away. God was like Asha your destroying your car and for what and I was like WTC and immediatley i adjusted my thinking and my attitude and was convicted. Well not immediately, it took me about 5 to 10 minutes but the conviction came and I knew where I was in the wrong and this could've been defused as lot sooner. Funny how scripture comes back to you in the most opportune times. <br />
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The word says in Mathew 7:1-5 <br />
Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.<br />
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Now dont get me wrong in no way shape or form did i fell as if I were better than this individual but I did come to realize that I have something to work on as well. Today after all the air was cleared my loved one pulled my card and said so "who really is the one with the temper problem? It's really you?" In my mind, I was like wow what a slap in the face. Thanks God. That conversation that I had in the car, I might as well have been talking to myself in the mirror. I was staring at the very image of me, and just like the person you defend yourself, it's not so bad, your overreacting, i have it under control, But the question is "Do you really have it under control?" "Do I really?" It's so funny, how many times are we ministering to others about situations in their lives (whether we are asked to or not) and God uses that situation to minister to us. We end up ministering to ourselves. However messy the situation panned out, I thank God for it cause my eyes were opened and I can only go up and grow from here. I am also glad he placed people in my life who are understanding, forgiving, and filled with unconditional love. <br />
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I know one thing though, he's brought me from a mighty long way, and any one who truly knows me can attest to the change the holy spirit has made within me thus far. I'm not perfect but I'm striving for perfection and it all starts with LOVE!Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-75506384289546058072009-10-12T20:34:00.000-07:002009-10-12T20:34:28.082-07:00Colors pt.1So, I've been having a lot of conversation lately on skin color. It's amazing to me that we as a society is still so color struck and at the same token it's hurtful. I mean all women are beautiful, and it's amazing how God has made us all diverse however black women have been torn and divided. We've been fashioned to believe the darker you are the less attractive and accepted you are in society. And unless you have visible signs of mixture then clearly your family is straight from the zulu nation. It's been said by even a famous artist who shall remain nameless that "the lighter a woman's skin is the easier she is to deal with." Why are we hated on so much? Why do we continue to be emotionally abused by the same men we give birth to? <br />
I'm tired of comments like, "You're pretty for a dark skin chick" or "Do you see her she black and ugly?" Seriously was it necessary to comment on her skin tone, could she not just be ugly. Or my favorite from the islands. She is ugly but at least she is red (meaning light skin). Like that is the icing on bad cake. If you got one eye and half, half a head of hair, and summer teeth (some hair and some there) ain't no amount of light skinnedness gon' fix that. Even my own mother whom i love dearly says some off the wall stuff. And in turn tells me I'm beautiful. I am really supposed to believe that. You just had an out of pockets comment about that person's skin tone and I'm supposed to believe you when you say I am beautiful! Then they wonder why we have complexes.<br />
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It was Buju Banton who said it best when he said:<br />
"Mi nuh Stop cry, fi all black women, respect all the girls dem with dark complexion<br />
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Tupac:<br />
They say the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice, the darker the skin then the deeper the roots.<br />
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We been conditioned to believe that beauty only comes in certain forms. Like having natural hair is a curse. I swear if one more man asks me to perm or straigten my hair i will lay him out on the floor. I love my locs. I think they compliment me more than when i had a perm or even longer hair. I am actually way more confidnet with my hair this way then when it was processed cause i cant hide behind it. It is what it is. Embrace it. We want so bad to be exotic we will got to the extremes to please those looking in from the outside all the while killing ourselves on the inside. I have nothing against weaves, perms, contacts, etc. but are you doing this for you or are you doing it so everyone else thinks your beautful? What do you see when you look in the mirror and you strip all the maybeline away? Cause no matter how much junk and gunk you put on people will see straight through you and label your insecurities. <br />
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And then it gets worse when you try to explain to people those of us that are really dark including myself........I'm not denying I'm black and I'm the first to admit that I am black but the truth of the matter is my family is extremely mulitracial. They look at you like you just cussed they momma and that your trying to deny stuff, expecially those of us who are west indian. Aint not near one of us that ain't mixed. LOL!<br />
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My bestie, has chinese and japanese in her family and it's very visible in her features...but she is medium brown and her sis is light skin, the two could be darn near identical but put the two together and best believe society will accept her sis more. Another homegirl of mine is a brilliant attorney.........she more indian than anything but when people look at her skin they see black girl that got lucky with the good hair.........another homie of mine she is hatian and middle eastern (people stay accusing her of denying her "blackness")...........me, my grandma is half jewish portuguese (yes jewish with the curls, the hat and all) and panamanian(dark panamanian), Both my grandfathers are half indian and half black, and my other grandmother (spanish, black, and indian). Do i look like i have time to check off every box on an application? NO! But we as black woman are so dynamic and we have to embrace it. <br />
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My cousin broke my heart the other day cause she was in love with an indian guy from our hometown and becuase she was black and i believe partially insecure he did not follow through with a relationship with her, and ended up sticking to an indian girl to please his family. She was heart broken and blamed herself for being black. She tried so hard to fit into the culture she cant embrace her ownself. I had to explain to her that it's not her fault and that he was not man enough to stand up for you or himself therefore he was not the one. But first you also have to love and accept yourself color and all before anyone else can. <br />
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At one point in time because of my upbringing i believed that if a light skinned black man, or a man from any other race was attracted to me other than a dark skinned man then I've come up. It's the ultimate compliment. Now I know that's bolony. I've been accused of being color struck because the majority of the men I've dated are on the lighter side but that is not by preference that is becuase that is who mostly approaches me. I get more compliments from light skinned men than dark brothers. It's amazing.....so why am i the one that is color struck. I'm not hunting them down and then when i meet a guy you thinks my skin tone is beautiful and my hair is gorgeous, i'm speechless, i wonder what's his angle, is he genuine? sincere? am I being compared to all the reallly dark skin women in videos who are exploited for their bodies? then I smack myself and say get over it Asha. Embrace what you've got cause even if you find out they are full of it your still fabulous!<br />
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I know dozens of lectures have been given on this but it is really time we "WAKE UP!" It was said best in my favorite movie spike lee's school daze. "WAKE UP!" We need to stop tearing each other down and be mindful that you are perpetuating a cycle of three hundred years or more of hurt. All black men no matter what shade needs to start seeing the beauty of all shades of black women and all different hair types. Stop getting caught up in the hype because at the end of the day a lot of us look for the validation of our beauty through you (however backwards that may be) and if you our own kind whom we give birth to dont find us beautiful, goregeous, breath taking and exotic how are we supposed to continue proving it to everyone else. We can do it and we do it daily, but its not easy in the entertainment world or business world. We need your support, not to exploit us and our bodies but really lift us up and hold us on a pedal stool. And we as black women need to do it for each other. Dont be afraid to pay another woman a compliment. We aren't all ghetto, head snappin', six colors in our hair having, skimpy clothes wearing, gold teeth having, fake nails six inches long, black and miles smokin kinds. We have education, aspiration, goals, and can hold down a great conversation that does not include the word bootyliscious and babyphat. Get to know us!<br />
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Until next time......All sistas keep your head up!Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-18952952256762641582009-10-08T20:33:00.000-07:002009-10-08T20:33:51.809-07:00Butterfly!As I look in the mirror now I think who is this young woman. Seriously! As far back as I can remember in junior high I wasnt very confident in myself. I was the catterpillar. I didnt think i was pretty, i had bad acne, a gap in my two front teeth, i was a very sheltered child and with all the traumetizing drama that occured in my life i was lost. I developed a tough girl attitude, I cussed, had a temper and made it known that I was a force to be reckoned with all the while a straight A student. Go figure. I remember just not liking what i saw and although I was always very social and popular and had many many many friends throughout all my schools I still did not feel accepted in terms of looks. I was a late blooomer and completely cluessless about everything. As time went on and different people came into my life I started to learn new things, like how to wrap my hair so my perm could look on point. How to properly use a curling iron and not burn the mess out my ears, rollers are the devil when you have extremely thick hair cause all you end up with is a afro puff of mess. By the time I hit the end of my sophmore year of highschool i had switched from baggy jeans to fitted jeans and tighter tops, even some heels. I always knew who i was in Christ something that never changed and stuck with me always. So by the time I got to college it was no holds bar. No curfews, self autonomy and I started learning more and more about myself. Still, apart of me was trapped inside the sheltered child. Scared to try new things.....worried about what my parents and friends would think. Riddled with guilt when i did something wrong as opposed to learning and growing.<br />
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BUT! now at the age of 27, i've butterflied and broken out my cuccoon. It's interesting, if you were to ask me five years ago would i be this person I am now, boldly I would've told you no. Simple things people have being doing for years I am coming into my own and trying for myself and it feels liberating. I'm happy! I'm confident! I have unspeakable joy and peace. For example, i highlighted my locs......This was a decision that took me all of four months. LOL! Scared i would hate it, scared other people would hate it, but i took that stand and did it and I loved it. For the first time ever I went out to eat dinner by myself. Inspired by two of my sisters F.E.P. and The fugitive. When I had the conversation with F.E.P, i was like I am not that brave and she told me it's quite liberating. So one sunday afternoon i did it and you know what it wasnt bad at all. Again i felt like i knew myself all the better. I am not going to lie, at first i watched my cell phone willing someone to text and call but then i just said "your rediculous" and put it away completely. Then I twitttled my thumbs thinking okay, i need to talk who do i talk to, there is an empty chair in front me.........Then it hit me, BOOM! Read your word. I've been trying to finish the book of revelation since May! LOL! And i did it, just me and God and the word and I felt so free. Things that were outside of my comfort zone is now my comfort zone. And as time goes by I am experimenting more and more (of course within reason and within the guidelines of living my life for God), but boundless of fear. <br />
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I want to do a carreer change, so i'm taking classes and lessons on the side no matter how painful. I'M BEING ME! I can scream it from the mountain tops. I LOVE ME AND IT SHOWS! No longer am I slapping God in the face about his creation but thanking him for allowing me to blossom and working on me. I feel empowered through Christ. I am officially THE BUTTERFLY! and although i have more growing to do and things to try, i am going forth in faith. Next, i'm going to go to the movies by self, maybe go on a carraige ride through the city, etc.<br />
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So until next time........I'm learning about me. :-)Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-89378623254675149732009-10-01T19:54:00.000-07:002009-10-01T19:54:53.699-07:00TRIED!This week has been the week of all weeks. My mom went to the hospital on Monday for surgery. And while the surgery went well there was only one complication. She lost so much blood they had to order six units of blood to pump into her. It was weird seeing my mom on the table helpless and hurting and there is nothing I can do. There is always something I can do, I'm miss fix it! I wasn't worried something was wrong it was the opposite I had an incredible peace that everything will work out. I just knew God had got this but i felt useless. I felt like the nurses weren't listening to me, I wasn't being assertive enough, for once I was afraid to speak out cause i didn't want to get kicked out the hospital. I started to compare myself to my mom......she would've been all over those nurses and doctor's in a heart beat and probably had one of them in a half nelson. But like i said something kept telling me to stay calm trust God and just behave how directed so i did. I fasted Wednesday, like really fasted and God showed through. My close friend for years came to the hospital to visit my mom, she was so supportive, it felt so good to have a friendly face. She said kind things and helped me take care of her and then just randomly gave me money cause she knew me so well.......I wasn't eating, and i was broke. God showed through. <br />
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Apart from this i felt selfish, if anyone knows my mom and i are great friends but we can also war like the worst of enemies. Anytime anything goes wrong I'm there, I've sacrificed for my mom repeatedly and in the end if something doesn't go her way it's war between us. She makes me feel like I'm the worst kid in the world. So y do I keep having this same argument with her. Y do we keep going back and forth. Y cant she see I'm doing the best I can. Y doesn't she feel like i love her enough. Just y? I feel like this is what drives my miss fix it attitude. I don't want anyone to feel abandoned like I've felt, like I've been. I genuinely love people and want to help them but i always want them to feel like they have someone there and for the most part i think they do, I just wish my mom felt that way too..................Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-12132984154655117902009-09-27T22:16:00.000-07:002009-09-27T22:16:56.092-07:00Wedded Bliss, I'm just not settling Pt. 1This past weekend has been an interesting one for me. My best friend of 15 years has gotten married and I was the maid of honor at her wedding. It was a momentous occasion. She had been in sucky relationship after sucky relationship for so long and finally she met someone who appears to make her happy. My mom says there is more to being happy than the smiles on the wedding day. The true happiness comes when things go arry and people start showing their true colors. That was the scariest thing I'd ever heard, cause in my mind I'm thinking that while your courting and dating you will be able to spot some inkling of the type of person this is. You may not learn everything but at some point you will see different aspects of their attitude and personality. But I digress.<br />
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As I sat at the reception hall and watched the two of them how they laughed and joke and excited they were to take this step I felt nothing but happiness for them. They come from two different worlds, and cultures and somehow they managed to make it work. At the end of the day, he was intimidated by her success but wants to better himself becuase of who she is. It was admirable. On my way driving home on sunday I started to reflect on my own failed past relationships and while they were dissapointing in the end I wasnt completely sad that i hadnt taken the plunge with any of these guys. In the end I am realizing they weren't right for me. In the midst of break up and heart ache it's hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel and even sometimes there after you wonder what in the world went wrong but I've come to realize God sends you signs you just have to open your eyes and ears to listen, something many of us dont do.<br />
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I am at a point right now where I refuse to settle. I feel as if some men dont step up to the plate as much as they used to. Sometimes it feels like it's such a big game something I dont have time for. I am always so open about my intentions and yet the confused ones are always drawn to me. With my last boyfriend, we were together for four years, four years! And at the end he just drew away, talked about being confused and needed time to figure things out, etc. I'm like what could you possibly need to figure out after four years, it's either you're sure about me or your not. After that speech other things started to happen and slowly the bottom of the jar fell out and everything broke to pieces. As devastated as I was it was God confirming to me he's not for you. I remember distinctly one day walking home sometime ago when things were going great between us and God telling me "he's not the one," it was crystal clear and I ingored it, I never mentioned it to anyone or anything. just went along with my merry business. But like they say in my country "Those that dont hear will feel," and feel I did. I had a disturbing dream about him when we were on a "break" and the more and more things became clear. This is not going to work. <br />
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Shortly after I met another guy and we were supposed to be just friends, kicking it cool, no relationship stuff just true friends you know. And things were so great that he spontaneously asked me out and I didnt think twice about it and said yes, this is the kind of foundation that should occur, he's a "man of God," we prayed together, have things in common, we have great conversation, we talk about the word, we crack jokes, etc. Now this guy and I were at different points in our lives, afterall I am already somewhat established, trying to go back to school for my second degree, working full time for corporate america, and he still had things to accomplish and i understood that. but i have always been the type of girl to support my guy no matter what. If that means things will be hard for a while then so be it cause in the end we are accomplishing something together and i want my man to be happy. So i dove head in heart last, he was struggling with somethings I helped him out, I went to visit him, stayed up late on the phone talking, even planning things future wise and as usual I got the speech, "You're great, but i'm not ready, i'm immature, etc. etc. I was like huh? It's was so confusing to me cuase i didnt even bring up the relationship first. It was his idea. Now when efforts are being put forth it's too much and i felt played. At this point I was relieved and upset, relieved that this invidual had not wasted my time but upset cause i also felt like i lost a friend. Now we barely speak, and if we do it's confrontational and i always feel attacked. So I stay away as much as possible. I dont call, write, dont send smoke signals, text, or anything and it feels weird. Cause I am such a personable person. I like checking in on friends and seeing how they are doing (male and female), I like having long conversations and learning new things about them , I like giving hugs and making people smile, being able to listen to their need and assess whether I can help them, or just have random goofy conversation, I am a people person. And then it hit me.<br />
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The man I marry has to be able to appreciate and love all these things about me, not be intimidated by me. I should be able to do all these things and then some and not feel a backlash from it. I should make him want to better himself but be proud that i love him enought to work with him side by side. Someone who appreciates that i am from another culture and we do and say things, sometime think and reason differently. We should be the best of friends so that even if we have a fight the love from our friendship overrides the pettiness of the fight. That would be my wedded bliss! That God sends me someone that I can call a true friend like I do Jesus. Not a convenient friend for the moment, but someone that can really appreciate the love that i have to share, that Christ place within me and gave me an example and they can reciprocate it visa versa and everything else we can work on together as partners. Until then "I REFUSE TO SETTLE".<br />
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This is really a rambling blog but i have so much to say and I cant seem to organize it all.Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5510760948575063379.post-59583476044592278792009-09-23T21:13:00.000-07:002009-09-23T21:13:55.518-07:00The FirstOkay, so this is a first for me. I've kept diaries in the past and had very bad experiences with them so I have always refrained from it. I figured anything I felt even if it's just venting can stay between me and God and who ever else I chose to confide in. But then something tragic happened to one of my sisters and it compelled me to open up. Her blog was so transparant! I admired her honesty and the release she got from it. This was a whole new world to me but apparantly lots of my brothers and sisters did it. So i started following theirs and they were so open and honest, I was amazed, I felt a new sense of connection. So my first blog is to say thank you for everyone who let me into the windows of their minds and souls that I can take this step.Ashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620283445311171830noreply@blogger.com0