Tuesday, December 1, 2009

SPOOKY!

So I know this has happened to me and a bunch of other people that I know.  The ghosts from your past always re-appear when things are going great (when your happy or at peace).  Whether is be an acquaintance or a past love, you ever notice when you're finally happy (single or not) that's when every haunted spirit you know wants to contact you, even the ones that were the biggest of JERKS!

These people never have anything edifying to say to you and they always seems to upset you.  I personally get furious with myself for allowing them to upset my life. I struggle with being The Christian and allowing the God in me to show through and wanting to completely lambaste them.  UGH! You ever notice they come to you with the most random things like

1. Updates on their lives. (like I care); I haven't called you in days, weeks, months, or years to catch up why do you think I care now.  What made you decide that this would be the moment that I would comfort you.  I know you got other friends.  Call them.  Frankly if we didn't end on good terms and decide to be good friends then it ain't gonna start now.  No I don't care about the accomplishments of your family members or that you got a promotion.  No I don't care that your appendix ruptured and you had to be rushed to the hospital. No I don't care that you got knocked up or knocked some chick up.

2. Get updates on my life.  Meaning find out if you have a chance or still have a chance with me.  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  Again, I DON'T CONTACT YOU! and it's clearly for a reason.  No I'm not thinking about you, no I don't want to go hang out. And definitely no I don't remember the good times we had together(if we actually spent time together in some cases) because guess what the bad out numbered the good when I decided to cut you out my life.

3. Talk the same nonsense they did when you hung out.  UMMMMMMMMMM!  Why haven't you changed? Why haven't you grown up? Why are you still so annoying?  Another reminder why i stopped contacting you. Sometimes I want to say, why don't you do society a favor and go stand in oncoming traffic on the belt parkway. I'm pretty sure you wont be missed by me at least.

4. Pick arguments.  What is that?  Why are you still arguing with me about the past and that was six months ago.  I'm surely not stressing it.  Heck I've moved on and your still griping.  I think you need therapy in your life is my answer. 

5. Ask for a favor.  HA! I'm sorry my good deeds for the year are done.  I maxed out the limit with my other friends.  I hope I was your very last resort and if I was then I suggest you do some soul searching and keep looking cause this charity is closed.

When you make the decision to separate from these people it's to better improve your life. So what do you do, you delete their numbers, throw out pictures and memorabilia, etc.  Because your moving on and somehow, someway cosmically they sense joy and peace and decide they want to disrupt it.  So I have a solution,  if they call, don't engage in conversation. Keep it short and to one word answers not even insults cause then that just gave them a reason to stay on the phone longer.  The words you should be using is YES, NO, I'M BUSY, and BYE!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Rebirth

John 3:1-5
The New Birth
 There was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews. This man came to Jesus by night and said to Him, “Rabbi, we know that You are a teacher come from God; for no one can do these signs that You do unless God is with him.”  Jesus answered and said to him, “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.” Nicodemus said to Him, “How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born?” Jesus answered, “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God.

So the story behind this scripture was that Nicodemus did not understand that he needed to repent of his sins and be baptized by water was what Jesus meant by being born again. When you repent and turn your life over to Christ you are supposed to be starting anew.  "If any man be in Christ he is a new creature, old things are passed away behold all things are become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17.

This got me to thinking about my own current rebirth.  But I'm not referring to spiritually, I am talking about emotionally in matters of the heart.  For  most of us who come from broken families where the damage has not be repaired we have not be taught what true pure love is.  So we start in high school(some younger) prematurely getting into relationships and getting our hearts broken repeatedly creating a vicious cycle and more damage as the years go by.  I'm no exception to this.  Our ideas and relationships are corrupted by society and their standards.  We begin to accept trash, lower our standards, become broken, and settle for less than we deserve because we ourselves don't understand what is truly means to love or be loved.  Many of us end up doing things we aren't very proud of and live with many regrets.  Bringing baggage along the way.   To truly love comes with a great responsibility.  Self sacrificial.  Laying down your own life.  Putting aside yourself and your own interest for another.  I truly believe that's why it says in Song of Solomon 8:4 "Do not stir up nor awaken love,Until it pleases." It's not just referring to the physical but also the emotional and the huge responsibility it is that we aren't ready for because many of us are still pre-adolescent/adolescent in that area.

I know for a fact now God is re-birthing my experience with love.  I don't want past hurts and baggage to taint or ruin my future.  I'm moving forward and God is helping me.  Right now at this very moment he is teaching me that love can be pure and innocent.  I am seeing the fruits what mature love is.  He is stripping away my baggage.  Loving me past my pain.  Giving me a new perspective as i read his word and pray.  Does our past shape who we are most definitely but I truly believe that at some moments if I had been patient, long suffered, and sought the right council, i would've been spared a lot.  Now I am appreciative, listen intently to the guidance of the holy spirit with the people who enter my life and take no moment for granted.  Speak up, ask questions, set standards, express and receive love the way God designed it.  I am ready and God is showing himself awesome and strong in this area in my life.

Once I turned my love over to God, and repented of my past mistakes, MY LOVE HAS BEEN REBORN!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Mirror Mirror

So this Sunday, I had a HUGE reality check.  SOMETIMES AND I USE THIS WORD WISELY! SOMETIMES the very thing we see that needs to be worked on in others is the very thing we need to work on ourselves.  And I say sometimes cause it's not true for every scenario and some people just need to be told about themselves.  But for me this def applies this time, so here goes......

 I was giving an individual a ride home, someone I am very close to and love dearly and the topic came up about the person's temper.  Now I myself can be a little hot headed from time to time so who better to give this speech than me, right! Right! (cue sarcasm).  Well anyway I brought up the topic out of concern because I don't want to see anything bad happen to this individual, i.e. a drive by or jail because of an irrational or spontaneous decision in a situation that could possibly be avoided.  As I was giving my speech I couldn't help but feel like I wasn't being taken seriously and although I know this person pretty well and i know they listen to me when i speak somehow between the jokes they were cracking and my moodyness I couldn't shake the fact that they were not taking me seriously.  So in the interim I made a comment about them not always thinking straight and in turn they spoke and said something that completely caught me off guard.  Now I didnt take it as rude or disrespectful but i did take it as sarcasm so me being me I rebutted.  However my rebutt didnt really go over smoothly. 

After my rebuttle things went downhill, our emotions kinda spiraled and my irrational decision to force my car into park while in motion and grinding down my gears to prove a point was just not smart.  Exhibit A.  Then at the request of my loved one to pull over, I refused, not because I was pissed but because i just didnt see a neccessity for it when i was literally two blocks from their house. I'll stop when I'm good and ready to and we can talk then (MY Mentality).  By then their emotions had spiralled and their funky mood had transpired.  Exhibit B.  Now all of this could've been avoided had I thought things through and chosen to respond in a different way and the same rule applies to them.  The same thing I was preaching about was the very same thing I needed to work on. And the funny things is I didnt get my reality check until i heard my gears grinding away.  God was like Asha your destroying your car and for what and I was like WTC and immediatley i adjusted my thinking and my attitude and was convicted. Well not immediately, it took me about  5 to 10 minutes but the conviction came and I knew where I was in the wrong and this could've been defused as lot sooner.  Funny how scripture comes back to you in the most opportune times. 

The word says in Mathew 7:1-5
Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.

Now dont get me wrong in no way shape or form did i fell as if I were better than this individual but I did come to realize that I have something to work on as well.  Today after all the air was cleared my loved one pulled my card and said so "who really is the one with the temper problem? It's really you?"  In my mind, I was like wow what a slap in the face.  Thanks God. That conversation that I had in the car, I might as well have been talking to myself in the mirror.  I was staring at the very image of me, and just like the person you defend yourself, it's not so bad, your overreacting, i have it under control,  But the question is "Do you really have it under control?" "Do I really?"  It's so funny, how many times are we ministering to others about situations in their lives (whether we are asked to or not) and God uses that situation to minister to us.  We end up ministering to ourselves.  However messy the situation panned out, I thank God for it cause my eyes were opened and I can only go up and grow from here. I am also glad he placed people in my life who are understanding, forgiving, and filled with unconditional love. 

I know one thing though, he's brought me from a mighty long way, and any one who truly knows me can attest to the change the holy spirit has made within me thus far.  I'm not perfect but I'm striving for perfection and it all starts with LOVE!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Colors pt.1

So, I've been having a lot of conversation lately on skin color.  It's amazing to me that we as a society is still so color struck and at the same token it's hurtful.  I mean all women are beautiful, and it's amazing how God has made us all diverse however black women have been torn and divided. We've been fashioned to believe the darker you are the less attractive and accepted you are in society.  And unless you have visible signs of mixture then clearly your family is straight from the zulu nation.  It's been said by even a famous artist who shall remain nameless that "the lighter a woman's skin is the easier she is to deal with."  Why are we hated on so much?  Why do we continue to be emotionally abused by the same men we give birth to? 
I'm tired of comments like, "You're pretty for a dark skin chick" or "Do you see her she black and ugly?"  Seriously was it necessary to comment on her skin tone, could she not just be ugly.  Or my favorite from the islands. She is ugly but at least she is red (meaning light skin).  Like that is the icing on bad cake.  If you got one eye and half, half a head of hair, and summer teeth (some hair and some there) ain't no amount of light skinnedness gon' fix that.  Even my own mother whom i love dearly says some off the wall stuff.  And in turn tells me I'm beautiful.  I am really supposed to believe that.  You just had an out of pockets comment about that person's skin tone and I'm supposed to believe you when you say I am beautiful!  Then they wonder why we have complexes.

It was Buju Banton who said it best when he said:
"Mi nuh Stop cry, fi all black women, respect all the girls dem with dark complexion

Tupac:
They say the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice, the darker the skin then the deeper the roots.

We been conditioned to believe that beauty only comes in certain forms. Like having natural hair is a curse.  I swear if one more man asks me to perm or straigten my hair i will lay him out on the floor.  I love my locs.  I think they compliment me more than when i had a perm or even longer hair.  I am actually way more confidnet with my hair this way then when it was processed cause i cant hide behind it.  It is what it is.  Embrace it. We want so bad to be exotic we will got to the extremes to please those looking in from the outside all the while killing ourselves on the inside.  I have nothing against weaves, perms, contacts, etc. but are you doing this for you or are you doing it so everyone else thinks your beautful?  What do you see when you look in the mirror and you strip all the maybeline away?  Cause no matter how much junk and gunk you put on people will see straight through you and label your insecurities. 

And then it gets worse when you try to explain to people those of us that are really dark including myself........I'm not denying I'm black and I'm the first to admit that I am black but the truth of the matter is my family is extremely mulitracial.  They look at you like you just cussed they momma and that your trying to deny stuff, expecially those of us who are west indian.  Aint not near one of us that ain't mixed.  LOL!

My bestie, has chinese and japanese in her family and it's very visible in her features...but she is medium brown and her sis is light skin, the two could be darn near identical but put the two together and best believe society will accept her sis more.  Another homegirl of mine is a brilliant attorney.........she more indian than anything but when people look at her skin they see black girl that got lucky with the good hair.........another homie of mine she is hatian and middle eastern (people stay accusing her of denying her "blackness")...........me, my grandma is half jewish portuguese (yes jewish with the curls, the hat and all) and panamanian(dark panamanian), Both my grandfathers are half indian and half black, and my other grandmother (spanish, black, and indian).  Do i look like i have time to check off every box on an application?  NO!  But we as black woman are so dynamic and we have to embrace it.

My cousin broke my heart the other day cause she was in love with an indian guy from our hometown and becuase she was black and i believe partially insecure he did not follow through with a relationship with her, and ended up sticking to an indian girl to please his family.  She was heart broken and blamed herself for being black.  She tried so hard to fit into the culture she cant embrace her ownself.  I had to explain to her that it's not her fault and that he was not man enough to stand up for you or himself therefore he was not the one.  But first you also have to love and accept yourself color and all before anyone else can. 

At one point in time because of my upbringing i believed that if a light skinned black man, or a man from any other race was attracted to me other than a dark skinned man then I've come up.  It's the ultimate compliment.  Now I know that's bolony.  I've been accused of being color struck because the majority of the  men I've dated are on the lighter side but that is not by preference that is becuase that is who mostly approaches me.  I get more compliments from light skinned men than dark brothers.  It's amazing.....so why am i the one that is color struck.  I'm not hunting them down and then when i meet a guy you thinks my skin tone is beautiful and my hair is gorgeous, i'm speechless, i wonder what's his angle, is he genuine? sincere?  am I being compared to all the reallly dark skin women in videos who are exploited for their bodies?  then I smack myself and say get over it Asha.  Embrace what you've got cause even if you find out they are full of it your still fabulous!

I know dozens of lectures have been given on this but it is really time we "WAKE UP!"  It was said best in my favorite movie spike lee's school daze.  "WAKE UP!"  We need to stop tearing each other down and be mindful that you are perpetuating a cycle of three hundred years or more of hurt.  All black men no matter what shade needs to start seeing the beauty of all shades of black women and all different hair types.  Stop getting caught up in the hype because at the end of the day a lot of us look for the validation of our beauty through you (however backwards that may be) and if you our own kind whom we give birth to dont find us beautiful, goregeous, breath taking and exotic how are we supposed to continue proving it to everyone else.  We can do it and we do it daily, but its not easy in the entertainment world or business world.  We need your support, not to exploit us and our bodies but really lift us up and hold us on a pedal stool.  And we as black women need to do it for each other.  Dont be afraid to pay another woman a compliment.  We aren't all ghetto, head snappin', six colors in our hair having, skimpy clothes wearing, gold teeth having, fake nails six inches long, black and miles smokin kinds.  We have education, aspiration, goals, and can hold down a great conversation that does not include the word bootyliscious and babyphat.  Get to know us!

Until next time......All sistas keep your head up!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Butterfly!

As I look in the mirror now I think who is this young woman.  Seriously!  As far back as I can remember in junior high I wasnt very confident in myself.  I was the catterpillar.  I didnt think i was pretty, i had bad acne, a gap in my two front teeth, i was a very sheltered child and with all the traumetizing drama that occured in my life i was lost.  I developed a tough girl attitude, I cussed, had a temper and made it known that I was a force to be reckoned with all the while a straight A student.  Go figure.  I remember just not liking what i saw and although I was always very social and popular and had many many many friends throughout all my schools I still did not feel accepted in terms of looks.  I was a late blooomer and completely cluessless about everything.  As time went on and different people came into my life I started to learn new things, like how to wrap my hair so my perm could look on point.  How to properly use a curling iron and not burn the mess out my ears,  rollers are the devil when you have extremely thick hair cause all you end up with is a afro puff of mess.  By the time I hit the end of my sophmore year of highschool i had switched from baggy jeans to fitted jeans and tighter tops, even some heels.  I always knew who i was in Christ something that never changed and stuck with me always.  So by the time I got to college it was no holds bar.  No curfews, self autonomy and I started learning more and more about myself.  Still, apart of me was trapped inside the sheltered child.  Scared to try new things.....worried about what my parents and friends would think.  Riddled with guilt when i did something wrong as opposed to learning and growing.

BUT!  now at the age of 27, i've butterflied and broken out my cuccoon.  It's interesting, if you were to ask me five years ago would i be this person I am now, boldly I would've told you no.  Simple things people have being doing for years I am coming into my own and trying for myself and it feels liberating.  I'm happy!  I'm confident!  I have unspeakable joy and peace.  For example, i highlighted my locs......This was a decision that took me all of four months.  LOL!  Scared i would hate it, scared other people would hate it, but i took that stand and did it and I loved it.  For the first time ever I went out to eat dinner by myself.  Inspired by two of my sisters F.E.P. and The fugitive.  When I had the conversation with F.E.P, i was like I am not that brave and she told me it's quite liberating.  So one sunday afternoon i did it and you know what it wasnt bad at all.  Again i felt like i knew myself all the better.  I am not going to lie, at first i watched my cell phone willing someone to text and call but then i just said "your rediculous" and put it away completely.  Then I twitttled my thumbs thinking okay, i need to talk who do i talk to, there is an empty chair in front me.........Then it hit me, BOOM!  Read your word.  I've been trying to finish the book of revelation since May!  LOL!  And i did it, just me and God and the word and I felt so free.  Things that were outside of my comfort zone is now my comfort zone.  And as time goes by I am experimenting more and more (of course within reason and within the guidelines of living my life for God), but boundless of fear. 

I want to do a carreer change, so i'm taking classes and lessons on the side no matter how painful.  I'M BEING ME!  I can scream it from the mountain tops.  I LOVE ME AND IT SHOWS!  No longer am I slapping God in the face about his creation but thanking him for allowing me to blossom and working on me.  I feel empowered through Christ. I am officially THE BUTTERFLY! and although i have more growing to do and things to try, i am going forth in faith.  Next, i'm going to go to the movies by self, maybe go on a carraige ride through the city, etc.

So until next time........I'm learning about me.  :-)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

TRIED!

This week has been the week of all weeks.  My mom went to the hospital on Monday for surgery.  And while the surgery went well there was only one complication.  She lost so much blood they had to order six units of blood to pump into her.  It was weird seeing my mom on the table helpless and hurting and there is nothing I can do.  There is always something I can do,  I'm miss fix it!  I wasn't worried something was wrong it was the opposite I had an incredible peace that everything will work out.  I just knew God had got this but i felt useless.  I felt like the nurses weren't listening to me, I wasn't being assertive enough, for once I was afraid to speak out cause i didn't want to get kicked out the hospital.  I started to compare myself to my mom......she would've been all over those nurses and doctor's in a heart beat and probably had one of them in a half nelson.  But like i said something kept telling me to stay calm trust God and just behave how directed so i did.  I fasted Wednesday, like really fasted and God showed through.  My close friend for years came to the hospital to visit my mom, she was so supportive, it felt so good to have a friendly face.  She said kind things and helped me take care of her and then just randomly gave me money cause she knew me so well.......I wasn't eating, and i was broke.  God showed through. 

Apart from this i felt selfish, if anyone knows my mom and i are great friends but we can also war like the worst of enemies.  Anytime anything goes wrong I'm there,  I've sacrificed for my mom repeatedly and in the end if something doesn't go her way it's war between us.  She makes me feel like I'm the worst kid in the world.  So y do I keep having this same argument with her.  Y do we keep going back and forth.  Y cant she see I'm doing the best I can.  Y doesn't she feel like i love her enough.  Just y?  I feel like this is what drives my miss fix it attitude.  I don't want anyone to feel abandoned like I've felt, like I've been.  I genuinely love people and want to help them but i always want them to feel like they have someone there and for the most part i think they do, I just wish my mom felt that way too..................

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Wedded Bliss, I'm just not settling Pt. 1

This past weekend has been an interesting one for me.  My best friend of 15 years has gotten married and I was the maid of honor at her wedding.  It was a momentous occasion.  She had been in sucky relationship after sucky relationship for so long and finally she met someone who appears to make her happy.  My mom says there is more to being happy than the smiles on the wedding day.  The true happiness comes when things go arry and people start showing their true colors.  That was the scariest thing I'd ever heard, cause in my mind I'm thinking that while your courting and dating you will be able to spot some inkling of the type of person this is.  You may not learn everything but at some point you will see different aspects of their attitude and personality.  But I digress.

As I sat at the reception hall and watched the two of them how they laughed and joke and excited they were to take this step I felt nothing but happiness for them.  They come from two different worlds, and cultures and somehow they managed to make it work. At the end of the day, he was intimidated by her success but wants to better himself becuase of who she is.  It was admirable.  On my way driving home on sunday I started to reflect on my own failed past relationships and while they were dissapointing in the end I wasnt completely sad that i hadnt taken the plunge with any of these guys.  In the end I am realizing they weren't right for me.  In the midst of break up and heart ache it's hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel and even sometimes there after you wonder what in the world went wrong but I've come to realize God sends you signs you just have to open your eyes and ears to listen, something many of us dont do.

I am at a point right now where I refuse to settle.  I feel as if some men dont step up to the plate as much as they used to.  Sometimes it feels like it's such a big game something I dont have time for.  I am always so open about my intentions and yet the confused ones are always drawn to me.  With my last boyfriend, we were together for four years, four years! And at the end he just drew away, talked about being confused and needed time to figure things out, etc.  I'm like what could you possibly need to figure out after four years, it's either you're sure about me or your not.  After that speech other things started to happen and slowly the bottom of the jar fell out and everything broke to pieces.  As devastated as I was it was God confirming to me he's not for you. I remember distinctly one day walking home sometime ago when things were going great between us and God telling me "he's not the one,"  it was crystal clear and I ingored it, I never mentioned it to anyone or anything.  just went along with my merry business. But like they say in my country "Those that dont hear will feel," and feel I did.  I had a disturbing dream about him when we were on a "break" and the more and more things became clear.  This is not going to work. 

Shortly after I met another guy and we were supposed to be just friends, kicking it cool,  no relationship stuff just true friends you know.  And things were so great that he spontaneously asked me out and I didnt think twice about it and said yes,  this is the kind of foundation that should occur, he's a "man of God,"  we prayed together, have things in common, we have great conversation, we talk about the word, we crack jokes, etc. Now this guy and I were at different points in our lives, afterall I am already somewhat established, trying to go back to school for my second degree, working full time for corporate america, and he still had things to accomplish and i understood that.  but i have always been the type of girl to support my guy no matter what.  If that means things will be hard for a while then so be it cause in the end we are accomplishing something together and i want my man to be happy.  So i dove head in heart last, he was struggling with somethings I helped him out, I went to visit him, stayed up late on the phone talking, even planning things future wise and as usual I got the speech,  "You're great, but i'm not ready, i'm immature, etc. etc.  I was like huh?  It's was so confusing to me cuase i didnt even bring up the relationship first.  It was his idea. Now when efforts are being put forth it's too much and i felt played.  At this point I was relieved and upset, relieved that this invidual had not wasted my time but upset cause i also felt like i lost a friend.  Now we barely speak, and if we do it's confrontational and i always feel attacked. So I stay away as much as possible.  I dont call, write, dont send smoke signals, text, or anything and it feels weird.  Cause I am such a personable person.  I like checking in on friends and seeing how they are doing (male and female), I like having long conversations and learning new things about them , I like giving hugs and making people smile, being able to listen to their need and assess whether I can help them, or just have random goofy conversation, I am a people person.  And then it hit me.

The man I marry has to be able to appreciate and love all these things about me, not be intimidated by me.  I should be able to do all these things and then some and not feel a backlash from it.  I should make him want to better himself but be proud that i love him enought to work with him side by side. Someone who appreciates that i am from another culture and we do and say things, sometime think and reason differently.   We should be the best of friends so that even if we have a fight the love from our friendship overrides the pettiness of the fight.  That would be my wedded bliss! That God sends me someone that I can call a true friend like I do Jesus.  Not a convenient friend for the moment, but someone that can really appreciate the love that i have to share, that Christ place within me and gave me an example and they can reciprocate it visa versa and everything else we can work on together as partners.  Until then "I REFUSE TO SETTLE".

This is really a rambling blog but i have so much to say and I cant seem to organize it all.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The First

Okay, so this is a first for me.  I've kept diaries in the past and had very bad experiences with them so I have always refrained from it.  I figured anything I felt even if it's just venting can stay between me and God and who ever else I chose to confide in.  But then something tragic happened to one of my sisters and it compelled me to open up.  Her blog was so transparant! I admired her honesty and the release she got from it.  This was a whole new world to me but apparantly lots of my brothers and sisters did it.  So i started following theirs and they were so open and honest, I was amazed, I felt a new sense of connection.  So my first blog is to say thank you for everyone who let me into the windows of their minds and souls that I can take this step.