Wedded Bliss, I'm just not settling Pt. 1

This past weekend has been an interesting one for me.  My best friend of 15 years has gotten married and I was the maid of honor at her wedding.  It was a momentous occasion.  She had been in sucky relationship after sucky relationship for so long and finally she met someone who appears to make her happy.  My mom says there is more to being happy than the smiles on the wedding day.  The true happiness comes when things go arry and people start showing their true colors.  That was the scariest thing I'd ever heard, cause in my mind I'm thinking that while your courting and dating you will be able to spot some inkling of the type of person this is.  You may not learn everything but at some point you will see different aspects of their attitude and personality.  But I digress.

As I sat at the reception hall and watched the two of them how they laughed and joke and excited they were to take this step I felt nothing but happiness for them.  They come from two different worlds, and cultures and somehow they managed to make it work. At the end of the day, he was intimidated by her success but wants to better himself becuase of who she is.  It was admirable.  On my way driving home on sunday I started to reflect on my own failed past relationships and while they were dissapointing in the end I wasnt completely sad that i hadnt taken the plunge with any of these guys.  In the end I am realizing they weren't right for me.  In the midst of break up and heart ache it's hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel and even sometimes there after you wonder what in the world went wrong but I've come to realize God sends you signs you just have to open your eyes and ears to listen, something many of us dont do.

I am at a point right now where I refuse to settle.  I feel as if some men dont step up to the plate as much as they used to.  Sometimes it feels like it's such a big game something I dont have time for.  I am always so open about my intentions and yet the confused ones are always drawn to me.  With my last boyfriend, we were together for four years, four years! And at the end he just drew away, talked about being confused and needed time to figure things out, etc.  I'm like what could you possibly need to figure out after four years, it's either you're sure about me or your not.  After that speech other things started to happen and slowly the bottom of the jar fell out and everything broke to pieces.  As devastated as I was it was God confirming to me he's not for you. I remember distinctly one day walking home sometime ago when things were going great between us and God telling me "he's not the one,"  it was crystal clear and I ingored it, I never mentioned it to anyone or anything.  just went along with my merry business. But like they say in my country "Those that dont hear will feel," and feel I did.  I had a disturbing dream about him when we were on a "break" and the more and more things became clear.  This is not going to work. 

Shortly after I met another guy and we were supposed to be just friends, kicking it cool,  no relationship stuff just true friends you know.  And things were so great that he spontaneously asked me out and I didnt think twice about it and said yes,  this is the kind of foundation that should occur, he's a "man of God,"  we prayed together, have things in common, we have great conversation, we talk about the word, we crack jokes, etc. Now this guy and I were at different points in our lives, afterall I am already somewhat established, trying to go back to school for my second degree, working full time for corporate america, and he still had things to accomplish and i understood that.  but i have always been the type of girl to support my guy no matter what.  If that means things will be hard for a while then so be it cause in the end we are accomplishing something together and i want my man to be happy.  So i dove head in heart last, he was struggling with somethings I helped him out, I went to visit him, stayed up late on the phone talking, even planning things future wise and as usual I got the speech,  "You're great, but i'm not ready, i'm immature, etc. etc.  I was like huh?  It's was so confusing to me cuase i didnt even bring up the relationship first.  It was his idea. Now when efforts are being put forth it's too much and i felt played.  At this point I was relieved and upset, relieved that this invidual had not wasted my time but upset cause i also felt like i lost a friend.  Now we barely speak, and if we do it's confrontational and i always feel attacked. So I stay away as much as possible.  I dont call, write, dont send smoke signals, text, or anything and it feels weird.  Cause I am such a personable person.  I like checking in on friends and seeing how they are doing (male and female), I like having long conversations and learning new things about them , I like giving hugs and making people smile, being able to listen to their need and assess whether I can help them, or just have random goofy conversation, I am a people person.  And then it hit me.

The man I marry has to be able to appreciate and love all these things about me, not be intimidated by me.  I should be able to do all these things and then some and not feel a backlash from it.  I should make him want to better himself but be proud that i love him enought to work with him side by side. Someone who appreciates that i am from another culture and we do and say things, sometime think and reason differently.   We should be the best of friends so that even if we have a fight the love from our friendship overrides the pettiness of the fight.  That would be my wedded bliss! That God sends me someone that I can call a true friend like I do Jesus.  Not a convenient friend for the moment, but someone that can really appreciate the love that i have to share, that Christ place within me and gave me an example and they can reciprocate it visa versa and everything else we can work on together as partners.  Until then "I REFUSE TO SETTLE".

This is really a rambling blog but i have so much to say and I cant seem to organize it all.

The First

Okay, so this is a first for me.  I've kept diaries in the past and had very bad experiences with them so I have always refrained from it.  I figured anything I felt even if it's just venting can stay between me and God and who ever else I chose to confide in.  But then something tragic happened to one of my sisters and it compelled me to open up.  Her blog was so transparant! I admired her honesty and the release she got from it.  This was a whole new world to me but apparantly lots of my brothers and sisters did it.  So i started following theirs and they were so open and honest, I was amazed, I felt a new sense of connection.  So my first blog is to say thank you for everyone who let me into the windows of their minds and souls that I can take this step.